Miss Tyra's Finishing School For Girls

While Paradise Hotel was clearly the greatest show of summer 2003, I am prepared to go on record stating that America's Next Top Model is the greatest show of all of 2004. Under the guise of picking a "top model," Tyra Banks instead casts sort of average-pretty girls with deep character flaws and then aids in their psychological destruction by putting herself in the role of abusive mother. First she berates them about how they know nothing, how they are nothing, how distant they are from the fully formed being (model) that she is (which begins to take on a Freudian slant in this mother-child struggle)-- but, as soon as the girls feel properly hated, stupid, and ugly, "Miss Tyra" appears and steps into the caretaker/source of all nutrients role, serving up giant dishes of group hugging, Christina Aguilera "You are beautiful, in every single way" sentiment, and (if last season is any indicator of this season's future proceedings) pasta. The most interesting judge, Janice Dickenson, who is also a former bat out of hell and supermodel, seems unbelieving at some of Tyra's model selections, as proven by the season opener in which her eye lashes were grasping for the foothold of her eyebrows and the whites of her eyes appeared to be dribbling toward her cheekbones. The palpable combination of this spooky-kid make-up and her natural disbelief at some of the contestants under consideration is fantastic to watch, since I don't think Janice has yet realized that Tyra is not necessarily looking for realistic top models, but instead America's next top meltdown. When understanding the show's mechanics in this way, contestant Bethany, whose fake, bountiful breasts might look swell under J.C. Penney's cable knit sweater sale ads, but who will obviously never be able to model high fashion, becomes logical.

This season I am rooting for Shandi, whose name reminds me of a combination between my childhood fox terrier who was both blind and deaf, Tandi, and Madonna's faux-spiritual chant on the album Ray of Light that went "Om Shanti, Om Shanti Shanti shanti Shantay Om." Shandi is a lanky, dorky, mousy blonde who strikes me as definitely having been in marching band in high school. If she has musical talent, I can guarantee marching band- she has that gait and nervous eye contact avoidance technique that come from years of being able to switch focus from the person addressing her to the sheet music on the practice room stand. This also explains why she looks below her while she walks the runway, which I find endearing. If I am wrong and she does not have musical talent, then I will have to go with UPN's bio sheet, which states that she likes "track and field." This activity conjures up associations with things like lawns, tracks (obviously), and shoes, which are also all things to be looked at below one's body.

The reason I like Shandi so much is that besides having the prerequisite character flaws (the belief that she is not good enough, not attractive enough, not sexy, not cut out for the competition, and so on), I believe that she also has the ability to be a top model. Being a top model is, beyond being beautiful and thin, about tapping into the current propensities of the nation, and I believe that America has been preparing itself for a return to the Nerd. I've been hearing rumblings about the Goonies sequel, observed the increasing, passionate fetishization of Apple products, seen NBC's purchasing of two seasons of Average Joe, watched gap-toothed plumber Kurt Nilsen win World Idol, witnessed the fervent buying of Lord Of The Rings several-hundred dollar paraphenalia, etc. All I'm saying is that a giant, nationwide Nerd aesthetic is spreading, becoming huge, floating in the air. Open your eyes and you'll discover it's everywhere around you. So while other supermodels were paragons of their eras-- Christie Brinkley represented the blonde, tan, glamorous excess of the luxury and coke-fueled eighties, Kate Moss and Naomi Campbell were the bad girls of the grunge, alternative, and heavy rock 90's, and Giselle is the consumerist, nonsensical wet dream of the jetsetting Victoria's Secret/Leo DiCaprio 2000's-- Shandi will usher in the new age of beauty and allure: the age of awkwardness. I'm so into it.

Comments

[Mark]

I think the most exciting thing about this is that there is going to be a Goonies squel.

[Emma]

I'm so with you on the Shandi thing, and am looking forward to her success. One of the best parts was when Bethany first saw her and couldn't conceal that unmistakable look of sexual superiority and utter confidence that she ranked higher than Shandi in any beauty contest. Wrong, Chesty!

[Sarah]

I'm kinda suspicious about the weights listed on that site... most of them are over 130... and shorter than Anna. Someone's not telling the truth about their weight.

Catty comments aside... I love Shandi, it'd be so cool if she won:)

[Stacey]

Shandi lists her favorite food as "chicken."

[xiomara]

hmmm. i say sara is gunna win. im upset cos i applied to the first season as a plus size model. they didn't pick me obviously. i didn't hear about the deadline for the second season... and now theres a chic named xiomara on there! all of them seem kinda lame to me.. to be honest... and the xiomara on there aint cute.
i'm way more photogenic. they suck

[eggya]

it's funny you mention JCPenney b/c i always see the winner of season 1, adrianne, in Macy's catalogs. (http://www.upn.com/shows/top_model/bio_adrianne.shtml)

[Allison Burnett]

I am the novelist whose book, Christopher, was "stalked" on Amazon. Yes, it was highly unpleasant and it's not unreasonable for you to fear it. I got a slew of letters from other authors who endured the same thing. it's much mre common that I had ever thought. By the way, I sincerely think your blog is brilliantly well written. I have a hunch that you are a born writer. Seriously. Now, your taste is women is another thing. Shandi is a wreck. A desperate martian with ears the size of David Lean's. For sheer beauty and grace, I vote for April.

[chinese chicken]

OMG! Yes...yes....yes! Shandi rocks the Walgreens like whaaa! I love the girl. The skinniness, the 19 year old from nowhere, USA, her shitty job, her horrible walk, her young love which makes her the most "real" (considering she looks very malnurished... I want her to eat more "chicken"). The show is trashy, Tyra's new musical ventures is a sorry copy of what J.Lo did and what Beyonce is doing. But I hold my head up high and watch the show weekly and I will root for Shandi :)

[niko]

Shandi should win! She seems like the only real one on the show and to be honest looks like half the models that are actually working in the industry! Next time you pick up a copy of Vogue look really hard at the models. Makes you think your neighbor could be the next top model.

Tyra has been around modeling/fashion long enough to know the real thing when she sees it. Shandi is a ringer, Tyra's handpicked 'project' purposefully made up to be more nerdy than she actually is, & morphing with each new episode.
What will you bet than when Shandi wins, Tyra gets a cut of her career earnings, (and it will be a long and lucrative career, no more candystore robberies for Shandi)

[Keona]

I believe that Mercedes should have won America's Next Top Model and since you liked her so much I was hoping that you would be able to get her signed to a model industry. Mercedes is so pretty and someone would be stupid not to want to buy something she is wearing on the run-way or wearing to an awards ceremony. She had carisma and she had a models attitude. I liked the way you were arguing with the judges about letting Mercedes win, and I think you are the best judge on the show.

[Aubrey]

Hey!Im 13 years old.You inspire me so much.You can do so many things.You are a talented person and romodel.I've always wanted 2 be a model...but i dont no how 2 get started so I never have.Lots of people tell me i should be one.I think that yuo should have Americas Next Top Model for Kids like 13-17 yr. It would be an experiance for all of us.I know all this is so off subject....sorry.Well got to go bibi!Oh ya I think Mercedes would of been a better chioce..she was more outgoing,beautiful,and more.
~Aubs~

[Wytika Cokley]

I really admire you and I would like to meet you so now I'm doing all I can!Love Ya Tyra!!!!!!!!

[Siarra Carrion-Booker]

hey Tyra banks,

my name is siarra and i am not a LEZ!! you just inspire me to do so much. my phone number is 407-454-9441 and i live
call me sometime im 11 yrs old!!!!
Siarra Carrion-Booker
2806 N.Powers Dr apt44
Orlando,FL 32818

[jennifer]

whats up tyra banks my name is jennifer perez, iam 14yrs old in the 8thgrade. i live in newmen, california,its a very small town. i really admire you. i always love watching your show. i have always wanted to meet and be in your modeling school it had always been my dreams.people say that i will never meet you they say that iam very stupied and say that modeling is very stupied. i think its very fun. i have always wanted to be in the runway, i always practice with my high heels at home they are coach. i really love being in fashion.i fo shoping at macys pacsun and demo. ireally love fashion and i would really love to be on the run way. its not just about modeling. theirs alot of important things in life. such as poor people family god bible i sometimes read because i go to a catholic school.i also have alot of personality. i love fashion favorite color pink,iam latint, love latin and hiphop,my favorite singer is beyounce daddy yankee i work out 5 times a week and i love food italian mexican and chinese. i have alot of things i love icant even remember because theirs alot of things i love.

I love your show Love jennifer to my favorite model tyra banks