The Kids Are Alright

The week my agent sent out the first four chapters of my young adult book to publishers, Harper Collins announced that they'd just given The Hills' Lauren Conrad a three-book YA deal.  And I was like, oh, that's cool, it's going to be a collection of her personal photos from Les Deux along with some narrative captions, except then I read that these were going to be novels and that Lauren was "writing" them.  And then I got a little agitated because whenever I mention that the novel profession is stressful, my parents will say things like, "Well, what would you do if you had a real job?" and "Maybe you should go back to working then," ("working" being, as my dad suggested to me last Hanukah, joining the barristas at Starbucks because they get good wages and benefits) and so this notion that Lauren was going to whip up three books in a very short period of time seemed to further this misunderstanding that writing for a living is something easily squeezed between endless social engagements and teaching the young people of this nation how to properly clean their contact lenses because they're not, they're just not doing it right.

But then I got super agitated when US Weekly ran this spread on Lauren's "designing" of her gown for the Emmy's, not because she was "designing" her gown, but because they ran this sketch:

 

Because they ran that sketch like it was actually a sketch.  Like it wasn't what all my friends and I used to draw during "Current Events" time in 4th grade when we could only imagine one evening silhouette, based on not really knowing how to draw sleeves (or good, realistic arms) or anything more tailored than a modified isosceles triangle.  I mean, that design is ridiculous.  It's a bolt of fabric with boobs.  And maybe the saddest part is that Lauren, who I hear is the nicest girl, drew her figure holding what I think is a cartoony microphone.

It's not that I mind this game we all play where Lauren has her own line of clothing and we pretend that she has the skill to execute the dresses, and it's not that I'm naive enough to think that Harper Collins didn't get L.C. a ghostwriter, it's that the magazine ran that sketch as if it were actually a meaningful look into a creative process.  And it's that I know in a couple months I'm going to see a photo shoot in which Lauren is sitting at a Hollywood Regency style desk, typing away on a laptop, and we're going to get a screenshot of some 12-point Courier New fictionalizing, and then my dad will phone me up and say, "How hard can it be?"

That's why I decided to pick myself up by the old bootstraps, pep-talking, "Oh kid, why is this anything but inspiration?  Because if L.C. can be a young adult author, then why can't you be a dress designer?"  So I pulled out my paper and pen and I designed a dress for Lauren to wear to the upcoming National Book Awards in November.  It's classic with clean lines and there's really not much more you can ask for out of a garment.

Except then things got complicated when this week, my agent sold my young adult book to Random House, which means I have to write the rest of the chapters before February 2009 and then another book by February 2010.  And I thought I could handle designing my new clothing line and writing my new books simultaneously, but the past few days I'd bang out a lone, solid, witty sentence before Irma, my head seamstress, would be shrieking, "How many beads on the bustline?  How many beads?" and finally I'd just have to be like, "IRMA, SHUT THE FUCK UP, I AM ASS-DEEP IN CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT."  So something had to go and hopefully, my fans understand and can wait another couple seasons for the Seigel maxi-dress.  From Publisher's Lunch:

"LIKE THE RED PANDA and TO FEEL STUFF author Andrea Seigel’s THE KID TABLE, a YA take on Four Weddings and a Funeral, as told by a witty and wry Dorothy Parker-like teen protagonist who is stuck at the kid table at five important yet dysfunctional family events, to Claudia Gabel at Delacorte, in a very nice deal, at auction, in a two-book deal, by Douglas Stewart at Sterling Lord Literistic."

Comments

[bree]

awesome.

[Erik Bosse]

I make no apologies for being a good two decades too old to know who or what is a Lauren Conrad, but whatever scrap of hip cred I had been clinging to of late has evaporated because after a visit to Wikipedia I still have no idea who or what a Lauren Conrad might be. However, please allow me to thank you for introducing me (via a Wiki link on LC's page) to a new word. "Magalog." Part magazine / part catalogue. Hmm? It sounds, well, simply appalling, and I have no doubt that simply by typing that word (and by word, I mean "word") here in this field, that I will soon be receiving a mountain of those spurious publications, which I can only hope will feature splashy photos (oh so faux-candid in nature) of clear-skinned androginites coifed in 21st century shag-cuts as they play backgammon or pretend to be perplexed by a voting booth or a porcelain bidet. Oh, when will the magalogs arrive?!?!

[Joey]

I work with teens at a public library, and the words "witty and wry Dorothy Parker-like teen protagonist" is enough to make me weep with joy. Even though those upstarts will be saying "Dorothy who?", I'm betting that I'll be pushing this book more than your momma does.

And while the tasteful dress from the Lil Kim collection may never see the light of day, surely you can maintain the awesome side ponytail on occasion. Baby steps.

(And I cringe at commenting on someone's blog and starting with "I"...so sorry for that. Eh, it's 3:43am, editing doesn't exist right now.)

[Gwenda]

Congratulations, you. (I will now go back to refusing to believe Lauren Conrad Actually Exists.)

[Mike]

The nipple clamp is awesome.

[brent]

I totally agree. LC is a hot new talent on the literary scene. If we could just get you two together! Dream team.

[jami]

i am just thrilled she can spell.

congrats on the book deal doll.

[Lauren]

i'm am very much anticipating this next book. i just read like the red panda for the 3 time and gonna start on to feel stuff for the 2nd. AMAZING

Lauren conrad has nothing on you. i pitty the fool who wastes money on that.. thats right i'm mr t...

[Carly]

This is wonderful blogging.

[robtee]

Catfight!