I'm really stupid about my dog in a way that I'm not stupid about anything else. For years I was the nanny of the cutest, most cherubic baby, and though I found her heartbreakingly adorable, our conversations were still like:
Baby: I love you.
Me [in monotone]: I love you too. Grab that shovel and let's hit the park.
I'm pretty sure that the dog is the first living thing I've ever used a baby-voice on. I just look at her, and I can't take it. I can't take how cute she looks. I can't take how cute she acts. As an entity, she completely slays me. Brent and I have had conversations about how if the two of them were both in danger and only one could be saved...and then we go quiet, because there's an understanding. And speaking of Brent, it's my belief that he is equally stupid about this dog, and so over time our individual stupidnesses have just reinforced each other until they've reaching dizzying levels, where sometimes we're sitting on the couch and he's jokingly tuning Christmas's nipples and using an old-timey radio voice to yell, "Tune in, Tokyo! Tune in!" and I'm right next to him, pretending to place a crown of rawhide on her head and I'm simultaneously saying, "Duh-duh-duh-duh! You have won the cute prize, miss!" in a pageant announcer voice, and then we realize the dog is looking up at us with an uncannily human expression, like, "What the fuck is wrong with you two?" Well, it's during these moments that we have to stop and wonder what's happened to us.
We have this serious- probably daily- habit of suddenly breaking into song about the dog, and there are so many songs and so many variations of lyrics that I wouldn't successfully be able to compile them if I tried. But as of late, some popular tunes around the house have been:
1. "Hot Bellied"- (sung to "Hot Blooded" by Foreigner) My dad bought us (us being Brent and me) an electric blanket for the holidays a year ago, but we were too lazy to take it out of the box until we got worried this winter that Christmas was cold at night without the fireplace going. From the moment we plugged it in, our gift became her blanket. She loves the thing. If, when she gets into bed at night, the blanket isn't pre-warmed, she will pick up her paw and tap at it furiously, like, "Can we turn this thing on?" Then she stretches out flat across it for maximum undercarriage warming, and sometimes I will sing to her:
"Hot bellied! Check it and see!
Need to get this electric blanket up to a hundred and three
Come on electric blanket, you can do more than that
I'm hot bellied, I'm hot bellied!"
2. "Dirty Vagina"- (sung to "Dirty Diana" by Michael Jackson) When Christmas comes home from the dog park, often she will have a dirty vagina area from rolling around in the dirt or just dragging herself, as she likes to do. You know. So we like to cradle her like a baby in our arms and sing, "Diiiirteeee VahJIIIINA!" That's as far as we get because we don't actually know the rest of the song well enough to substitute doggy lyrics. But the dirty vagina part is fun enough on its own.
3. "Wicked Games"- (sung to "Wicked Games" by Chris Isaak) (We haven't renamed the title on this one because it doesn't really manifest in the chorus.) This adaptation came about after the recent rainy season, when Christmas would cower at having to go outdoors because she likes to take a good five minutes to find her ideal number two spot, and the water dropping on her head got in the way of that process. A very troubled look would cross her face when we'd say, "Potty?" and then she'd go and sadly stare out the window at the falling rain. So we had started to sing:
"What a wicked thing to do
To make me have to go outside and poo
What a wicked thing to say
That I have to potty in the rain!
Ohhhhhh IIIIIII, don't want to goooo in the rain..."
And it went on from there.
4. "Oh What A Pup"- (sung to "December 1963: Oh What A Night" by The Four Seasons) This one gets sung a lot because we'll just fill in lyrics about whatever's going on right that second. Like, "Oh what a pup! Look at your little paws, paws, paws/Yeah, you got to rub those eyes/You're so ti-i-ired." Okay, so I know this isn't exactly a great rhythmic match to the original lyrics and doesn't rhyme, but it's more about the exuberance with which you sing it. You've got to go into the falsetto. Recently Brent and I were in Ralph's and "Oh What A Night" started playing on the sound system and we started singing "Oh What A Pup" really high (in a really high voice, I mean- not really high on drugs) until we had a shared moment of realization, an "Oh my god."
5. "Pup On The Run"- (sung to "Band On The Run" by Paul McCartney) Christmas really hates the vacuum cleaner (and us cleaning in general- it provokes anxiety) and so whenever we turn it on to suck up her shed hair, which is plentiful, she goes sprinting across the apartment in fear for her life. So Brent has taken to singing:
"Pup on the run,
Pup on the run!
When the vacuum turned on, she was already gone
Pup on the run..."
6. "Pup In The Butt"- (rapped to "Pumps And A Bump" by MC Hammer) Sometimes if I'm reading in bed on my stomach, Christmas will like to climb up the backs of my legs and settle into the space right below my butt, resting her chin on it (see photo illustration below). So that's the correct time that you want to go ahead and rap:
"Pup on the butt,
Pup on the butt,
Get me the pup who likes to sleep on the butt!"