My 12-year-old self framed and hung a print called "Dancing With Whales" above her bed. With her allowance she purchased a Lucite box of fabric flowers that twinkled in the dark, then placed it proudly on her nightstand. Out of all the choices she was presented with, she picked the purple, pink, and turquoise confetti wallpaper from the book.
But even she would have turned down this set, making the same face she did when at horse camp they told her she'd have to put on a swimming cap if she wanted to go in the pool.
You wonder who buys a piece like this and then advertises it as the "Coolest Sofa Chair on Craig's List!":
And then you wonder if that person's being tongue-in-cheek, willfully deceptive, or is just totally fucking out of it. It starts to look like the latter when you find out that this person not only elected to put this chair in her home, but sprung for the whole seating set:
Which, in its totality, is a real doozy. And then you wonder, what does this person look like? She must look kind of crazy, right? Because she likes crazy furniture? But actually...
Aside from the big bangs (which hint at inner wacky), she looks kind of normal.
I've long thought that if you can't be unquestionably attractive, you're better off just being really ugly. It's going to be easier for you to find your match. Look, I'm no stunner, but I'm not a zero either, and that means I'm in this netherspace of being a huge insult for some people, a total score for others. The negotiation of this middle ground makes it difficult to arrive at a concrete understanding of my physical station in life. But you know how when you were in high school there was that really ugly girl and that really ugly guy and they were super into each other and there was no question about whether either could conceivably do better because they were exactly where they were supposed to be?
For only $150, you can get this chair, which is a multitasker's wetdream: according to the seller, it "can recline, decline, massage, heat..oh yeah..it's awesome." But there's no mention whether you actually get all the shit on top of the chair too, an omission which might give a buyer pause for thought.
Yet for $100 less, you can get TWO of thesechairs, which certainly aren't as dynamic or complex in design as the first option, but which come with "the free prop/foam rock seen in the picture!" It's kind of like Sophie's choice, except, you know, with seating.
This is a custom-made kangaroo chair, and it seems to me that the sole reason you'd think to use the kangaroo as inspiration for furniture design would be the pooch. Who doesn't want to curl up inside a warm pooch? I do! But this kangaroo has a flat, hard stomach, which is all well and good if you want to feel like you're watching TV from the lap of Kelly Ripa, which-- you might. But I'd prefer to cuddle in the swoop of Alec Baldwin's belly, pulling his paunch up to my chin like a blanket.
The seller of these "2 Oversized Plush Black w/Red Trim Chairs" clearly has some form of dyslexia when it comes to information placement because she waits until the very end of her ad to mention that they were "Formerly owned by actress Felicia [sic] Rashad." Say what? Claire Huxtable sat in these chairs?! Those red piped swirls just became 72% classier and sassier!